"Jeeps will get you through times of no women better than a woman will get you through times with no Jeeps." -Paul Weitlauf

1. Men make their own rules.

2. Men know how to fight.

4. Real men are men of action, not words.

5. Men can fix it.

6. A man needs only three things to be successful: Duct Tape, WD-40, and a Jeep.

7. A man can light a fire, real ones carry a Zippo.

8. A man can drink a shot of Jack and smoke a cigar without sputtering or coughing.

9. A man can curse like a sailor if need be.

10. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.

11. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

12. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse

c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game

e. When your Date is using her teeth

13. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

14. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

15. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.

16. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. Infact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

17. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

18. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

19. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

20. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

21. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

22. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

23. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

24. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

25. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

26. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

28. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one swoosh.

29. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

30. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

31. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

32. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

33. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

34. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

35. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

36. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "FUCK OFF!" You are absolved of your responsibility.

37. Always split aces and eights. No arguments.

1. Your last name never changes.

2. The garage is all yours.

3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4. Chocolate is just another snack.

5. You can be president of the US.

6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a hoot if someone notices your new haircut.

9. The world is your urinal.

10. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just "too icky".

11. Same work... more pay.

12. Wrinkles add character.

13. Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

14. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

15. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

18. One mood, ALL the time.

19. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

20. You know stuff about tanks.

21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

22. You can open all your own jars.

23. Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.

24. You can leave the motel bed unmade.

25. You can kill your own food.

26. You get extra credit for the slightest act of Thoughtfulness.

27. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

28. Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.

29. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

30. Everything on your face stays its original color.

31. You can quietly enjoy a car ride, even from the passenger's seat.

32. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

33. You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.

34. You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."

35. You don't mooch off other's desserts.

36. You can drop by to see a friend without needing to bring a little gift.

37. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

38. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

39. You almost never have strap problems in public.

40. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

41. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

42. You don't have to shave below your neck.

43. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

44. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

45. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

46. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

47. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.